INSECTICIDE

I sprayed the insecticide along the baseboard, where the wall met the floor and the ants moseyed on in a row.

These ants have been marching along my wall, from my front door to my kitchen bin for the last two weeks.

The nerve of them.

My Google search warned me that an infestation of ants may result in damage to my expensive electronics.

This bothered me.

I sprayed more insecticide along the baseboard, where the wall met the floor and the ants staggered on in a row.

It was a new and improved formula, guaranteed to last thirteen weeks and it smelled of "fresh linen".

Stepping back from the wall, as I finished my second spraying, I took a deep breath and allowed my olfactory bulbs the unrestricted access to the toxic fumes masked as the pleasant scent of clean laundry.

The ants staggered and died almost immediately as the waded through the poison pools.

I noticed a few ants were avoiding the poison.

This annoyed me.

I sprayed even more insecticide along the baseboard, where the wall met the floor and the ants were now dying in droves.

I got down on my one good knee, bent my ear to the floor and I began to blow.

I blew the few straggler ants that were frantically avoiding the poison into the corner of the room where the poison was at its deepest.

My job was done as I watched the last of the filthy little fuckers drown in the soup.

My mind concocted an alliteration, I thought:

'Six-legged savages swimming to suffocation, frantically fighting the fatality of the foreign fumes.'

I vacuumed up the corpses and settled in bed for a cozy night with a book.

The next day, around 9am, four men in black suits kicked down my door.

They identified themselves as agents of the International Criminal Court (ICC).

They produced a warrant and told me to come quietly, but I had no intention of doing so.

I hollered at the men, "what is this all about?!"

One of the men hollered back, "you're under arrest for war crimes committed last night on this very property."

The men in suits photographed the baseboard, where the wall met the floor and the ants no longer paced in a row.

One of the men explained to me that, "under the Roman Statute of the ICC, employing asphyxiating, poisonous or other gasses on a population is an explicit war crime."

I watched as they confiscated my vacuum cleaner.

They read me my rights.

They handcuffed me.

Then i was walked to the street and shoved in a plain white S.U.V.

Everything happened so fast, but I remember thinking, 'I'd better keep my cool until I see my lawyer.'

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I met with my lawyer the very next day from my jail cell.

Luckily, there were no ants in my cell. So, I slept soundly the night before.

Although I was well-rested, I was still quite worried of the severity of these trumped-up charges.

My lawyer, on the other hand, was confident we could beat the allegations.

We immediately began a three step counter-offensive.

Step one: classify the ants as a terrorist regime.

Step two: we claim we were acting in self-defense.

Step three: we stand our ground under the guise of, "making my living room great again."

Within two weeks, it was over and I was a free man.

I thought I'd return home to peace and serenity.

Imagine my surprise as I walked through the busted down door to my house to find the walls were painted black.

I flicked on the light.

The walls began to move.

The walls were not painted with pigment.

The walls were painted with insects.

Millions of angry, hissing insects had occupied my home during my absence.

They attempted to swarm upon me and I believe they intended to take my life.

I was too fast for them, though.

I managed to escape to a nearby hotel and the front desk clerk cleaned me up and gave me a room.

I've been living in this hotel for two weeks now.

I have no intention of trying to reclaim my home.

It belongs to the insects now.